


The Pirate AU – AKA the obligatory Crack AU

by pandameleon



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Comedy, Crack AU, Mild Ableism, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Multi, Pirate AU, Pirates, Strong Language, ana is really salty, play format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-07-26 05:51:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7562842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandameleon/pseuds/pandameleon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ana assembles a few those from Overwatch and creates a crew of able seamen and basically roasts everyone</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

THE CAST

Jesse McCree – **First Mate**

Gabriel Reyes (Reaper) – **Pilot**

Genji Shimada –  **Sea Artist**

Jamison Fawkes (Junkrat) – **Master Gunner**

Torbjon Lindholm – **Master** **Carpenter**

Ana Amari – **The Captain**

Anjali Bhimani (Symmetra) - **Quartermaster**

Hanzo Shimada – **Boatswain**        

Lucio Correia dos Santos – **Cabin Boy**

Pharah Amari – **Herself**

Angela Ziegler (Mercy) – **Herself**

Reinhardt Wilhelm – **Himself**

Winston – **Himself**

  



	2. Act I Scene I

**Act I Scene I**

Ana is in her room in Gibraltar, Pharah enters, clearly flustered

Ana: Need something?

Pharah: Mother, you’re not seriously planning to leave Overwatch again just to become a pirate, right?

Ana: That is exactly what I’m going to do.

Pharah: Who’s gonna be your crew? Where are you going to get a ship, have you planned any of this out?

Ana: I have connections, and I have no plan to leave forever, we’ll be back.

Pharah: You still haven’t told me who your crew is

Ana: The crew is assembled, that’s all you need to know

McCree bursts through the door

McCree: CAPTAIN!

Ana: Yes?

McCree: Everything is ready. Symmetra’s already assembled the teleporter on the main deck. We’re waiting on you.

Ana: I’ll be right down.

Pharah: No she won’t, Mother, this is ridiculous

Ana: You’re not my mother, I’m yours.

Pharah: Well I certainly feel like your mother

Ana fires a dart from her side arm, and Pharah falls to the ground

Ana: Move, she’ll wake soon

McCree: Good, Reaper plans to set sail by-

Ana: I swear if you say-

McCree: HIGH NOON

Ana: Goddammit. Let’s go

Ana takes her belongings and exits with McCree, seconds later Pharah awakes

Pharah: Oh no you don’t

Pharah exits quickly

 


	3. Act I Scene II

Act I Scene II

McCree and Ana are making their way toward the teleporter, Ana is struggling to carry her belongings

Ana: I could use some help!

McCree: What? You’re handling it fine

Ana: Here take this

Ana shoves a bag into McCree’s stomach

McCree: Hey! Watch it! You almost scratched the belt buckle

Ana: You know that thing looks ridiculous. It’s big and heavy and I can imagine it gets in the way

McCree: Well, it ain’t the only thing about me that's big

Ana: If you’re referring to your ego I agree

McCree: I’m referring to what fuels my ego

There is a long silence

Ana: You disgust me

Pharah descends from the sky

Pharah: Mother, you cannot do this, Overwatch needs you and the others

Ana: Overwatch thrived without me before, I have no doubt in my mind that you all will not fail without me

Pharah: I need you

Ana: Fareeha you are 32 Years old, not 32 DAYS old. You don't need your mother. As a matter of fact you should be a mother, your biological clock is ticking. Find yourself a nice man. That Roadhog guy is a real looker.

Pharah: That’s appalling

Ana: Alright, girls then, How about Zarya? Or Mercy?

Pharah: I am not interested in pursuing in a relationship

Ana: Tsk, Tsk. Always so independent. You wouldn’t want to die alone, would you?

Pharah: Of course I don't want to, but that is not my concern. I’m currently occupied with making sure I don't lose my mother at sea, as well as half our team!

Ana: We’ll be fine

Pharah: That’s not the point! The point is tha-

Ana shoots another sleep dart at Pharah. Pharah fall unconscious and falls to the ground

McCree: She should have seen that coming

Ana: Always talking that one, now go through the teleporter. Once I am through, disable it immediately. We can’t have the others or Pharah following us

McCree: But Pharah can fly onto the ship, what’ll we do then?

Ana gestures to the darts in her arm

Ana: Third times a charm

Ana and McCree leave through the teleporter. Pharah wakes up seconds later

Pharah: Fuck, not again. I must inform the others. Next time, I’ll see that coming.

Pharah exits, flying towards the central terminus


	4. Act I Scene III

Act I Scene III

Winston, Mercy, and Reinhardt are sitting at a table playing cards

Winston: Got any 2’s?

Mercy: Go fish

Pharah enters the room in a panic

Pharah: Guys, I need your help.

Reinhardt: Is it about half the team leaving to become pirates?

Pharah: Yes, actually

Mercy: Oh, we are all well aware

Pharah: What?

Winston: Ana already told us

Pharah: And all of you approve of this?

Reinhardt: Yeah, could use a break

Winston: The radar has been quiet, no need for any fighting, not anytime soon

Mercy: Plus, if something does happen, I am certain that we can handle ourselves without them.

Pharah: And the others, what do they think?

Winston: Could use the space, been awfully cramped around here. They’re fine with it.

Pharah: So…no one has a problem with this?

All, except Pharah: Nope.

Pharah: Well, I don't like this. I’m going to do something about this.

Winston: Good luck, they all seem dead sought on the idea, highly doubt you’ll be able to get them to change their minds.

Pharah: Alright, well beside Ana, the cowboy, and Symmetra, who else decided to embark on this ‘voyage of a lifetime?’

Mercy: Junkrat, Reaper, the Shimada brothers, Lucio, and Torbjon.

Pharah: Are you sure you are okay with this and you’re not being manipulated by Ana or anyone?

Reinhardt: Aw, is someone going to miss their mommy?

Pharah: Fuck you, Reinhardt.

Reinhardt: Aren’t I a little out of your age range?

Pharah lets out a large sigh and begins to leave the room

Winston: Where are you going?

Pharah: To stop this ridiculous feat that my mother has planned

Mercy: Pharah, let this go. Let them go

Pharah: Oh no, I am bringing them back

Pharah Storms out of the room

Mercy: Got any 5’s?

Winston: You guys are aware I have no clue how to play this game right?

Reinhardt: Oh yeah, I have no clue either, I’m just going by what I’ve seen in those old movies

Mercy: And you thought this would be a good idea why?

Reinhardt: I just wanted to see if-

Pharah storms into the room

Pharah: They’re gone

Reinhardt: Back already? That was fast

Pharah: Stuff it, MC Hammer

Winston turns to look at the clock

Winston: That McCree has good timing. They were planning to be off by

Pharah: High noon?

Winston: So you did know about this?

Pharah: I only found out 10 minutes ago!

Winston: Meaning you still knew

Pharah: I’m going after them

Reinhardt: What? Are you going to join their scurvy crew?

Pharah: If it means bringing them back, then yes

Pharah exits…again

Mercy: So…

Reinhardt: We’re gonna need to go after her-

Mercy: Yep

Winston: Alright let us get a move on

Winston, Mercy, and Reinhardt rapidly leave the room


	5. Act I Scene IV

Act I Scene IV

Pharah is about to fly to the ship. Winston, Mercy, and Reinhardt are not far behind

Reinhardt: Pharah! Come back! There’s no point in going after them!

Pharah begins to fly toward the ship

Winston: Mercy! Follow her!

Mercy activates guardian angel and follows closely behind Pharah. Winston and Reinhardt leave the scene.

Mercy: I fail to understand why this is such a big problem for you?

Pharah: The problem is the stupidity of everyone on board that god forsaken ship! Come on, Mercy, I’d expect someone of your intelligence level to comprehend how preposterous this whole thing is

Mercy: Of course it’s preposterous, but let them have their fun. I do doubt their safety, but I am sure most of them will make it back in one piece. Besides, most of the people on that ship have already lost a limb or two. Kind of cliché if you ask me.

Pharah: Doesn’t matter. I will end this.

Meanwhile, on the main deck where Reaper, Ana and, McCree are standing; Junkrat is standing by, awaiting any commands

Ana: Are we ready to set sail?

Reaper: We’ve been more than ready. You certainly took your time coming back

Ana: At least I came from my room and not my grave

McCree: She got you there, Edge McQueen

Reaper: You’re ridiculous

McCree: Says the one dressed like an emo kid on Halloween.

Reaper: Listen here you redneck piece of shit-

Junkrat: CAPTAIN! I THINK YOU FORGOT TO GIVE PHARAH HER ALLOWANCE!

Ana: Oh no

Ana looks to the sky and sees Pharah and Mercy, she readies her sleep dart, but hesitates to fire it

Ana: Pharah what are you doing?

Pharah: What needs to be done.

Ana: Do not use your ultimate. I repeat, do NOT use your ultimate!

Pharah: Don’t make me use it!

Ana: Pharah, come down here, we can talk about this

Pharah and Mercy begin to descend onto the main deck, Mercy stands behind Pharah

Pharah: This idea is ludicrous. Honestly, I expected better from you! My own mother. You’ve always been smart, and now is your time to show it.

Ana: You’re right, Pharah, I should be smart about this

Ana quickly shoots a sleep dart from her arm…again. Pharah falls to the ground

McCree: You know, the whole sleep dart thing is growing old.

Ana: Good, I’ll finally have something my age on this ship. McCree, get someone to help you escort those two to the brig. I have plans for them

McCree: Right away. Oi Peg leg!

Junkrat rushes over. McCree throws Pharah over his shoulder.

McCree: Escort that lovely angel to the brig with me

Junkrat: ‘Course matey!

Junkrat grabs Mercy and holds her hands behind her back. Mercy chooses not to protest

Junkrat: You’re coming with me, love

McCree and Junkrat exit with Pharah and Mercy

Reaper: If I may, what are you going to do with those two?

Ana: You’ll find out when we’re underway. For now, full speed ahead!

* * *

 

End of Act I


	6. Act II Scene I

Act II Scene I

The ship is well underway, with Reaper at the Helm, accompanied by Ana, Hanzo, and McCree.

Ana: All the stress of today has given me a headache.

McCree: You sound like you need a drink. Here, have some whiskey.

McCree hands Ana a flask. Ana opens it and takes a whiff, then turns away in disgust.

Ana: Sailors don’t drink whiskey, they drink rum.

McCree: The rum is gone.

Ana: But why is the rum gone?

Reaper: So we could make a shitty reference to Pirates of the Caribbean.

Ana: Oh.

Hanzo: I have brought Sake!

Hanzo pulls out a bottle of Sake and Sake cups and begins pouring. Genji dashes onto the scene.

Genji: Did someone say Sake?!

Hanzo: Yes, my brother, join me for a drink. Let us put aside our problems.

Genji: Instead we can drink to forget our problems!

Hanzo hands Genji a cup.

Hanzo and Genji: Kanpai!!

Hanzo downs the sake in one go. Genji, aware that his visor is still on his face, splashes it all over himself.

Hanzo: Genji you had one job.

Genji: I have become a public embarrassment. I must commit seppuku.

Genji attempts to slice open his stomach with his sword.

Genji: Oh right! I don’t have the guts to do it! Haha!

Ana: That pun was so bad I need to ask you to leave the helm and think about what you did.

Genji: I am not wanted. I will leave.

Hanzo: Wait! We need to finish the Sake!

Genji runs off, Hanzo follows. Reaper has turned away and appears to be busy with something.

Ana: Anyone else have alcohol of any kind?

McCree: Give the Whiskey a shot. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

Ana: I guess this will tide me over until we get to the Caribbean. Speaking of that. Reaper!

Reaper turns around frantically, dressed in his El Blanco skin holding a bottle of Tequila and a pair of maracas

Reaper: IT IS CINCO DE MAYO, LET US CELEBRATE!

Ana: Goddammit Reyes it’s fucking July.

Reaper: Oh well forgive me it’s not like I’ve been floating in and out of reality and have no clue what the goddamn date is.

Ana: And I thought your face was a sight I needed to forget.

McCree: I’ll go get you more Whiskey, you look like you need it.

Ana gives McCree the flask and he exits cautiously.

Ana: Set sail for the Caribbean, and give me that Tequila.

Ana snatches the bottle from Reapers hands.

Reaper: Hey! I was planning on drinking that.

Ana: How in good heavens were you planning on drinking that? You’re not going to be removing your mask because there is no way I’m getting a second glimpse of your ugly mug.

Reaper: How do you think I feel looking at you all the time?

Ana: You know what, on second thought maybe we should head towards Mexico and go to the Dead Sea. You know, the place where you got your personality.

Reaper: Aye aye, captain!

Reaper, under his breath: Fucking bitch.

End of Scene I


	7. Act II Scene II

Act II Scene II

Pharah and Mercy are sitting in the brig, mildly alarmed by the commotion going on upstairs.

Pharah: What on earth is going on up there?

Mercy: I am not sure, maybe we should go check.

Pharah: How? We’re locked in here!

Mercy: We’re actually not, McCree and Junkrat did not lock the door. They simply threw us in here and trusted us enough to not escape. Look, the door isn’t even completely closed.

Mercy gestures towards the door. Pharah brings a hand to her face and sighs into it.

Pharah: And the award for the world’s most incompetent pirates go to...never mind. How did we not notice the door was unlocked?

Mercy: You were caught up with ranting about how this was such a bad idea on your mother’s part and complaining about her sleep darts.

Pharah: Well I’m not doing so right now so you can tell me now.

Mercy: Ok, Pharah the door is unlocked.

Pharah: I knew that.

Mercy: So WHY did you ask me to tell you?!

Pharah: Stop arguing and let’s get out of here!

Pharah pushes Mercy toward the door and they both climb to the top deck to find Hanzo, Ana, McCree, and Genji pisshead drunk. Ana is first to notice them and stumbles toward the pair.

Ana: RRrrrr... Ye thinks ye can just escape from me scurvy crew? Ye have go nowhere to go but the deep blue!

Pharah: Mom, you guys have barely sailed past HQ. I can still see bastion in turret form sitting on the ledge waving at you guys. And quite frankly the deep blue does sound better than being kept up here

McCree: I threw y’all in the brig. How’d y’all break out?

Mercy: You never closed the door.

Ana: McCree, I asked ye to throw them in the brig. Did ye not perhaps LOCK it?

McCree: No, captn’, I did not. You said to throw them in there, not to lock em’ in there.

Ana: McCree you had one job.

McCree: I did. I did exactly what I was told.

Hanzo: CAPTAIN!

Ana: What do you want, sir tits-all-out?!

Hanzo: If I wasn’t so intoxicated, I’d be offended. Ignoring that, I have a suggestion!

Ana: Go on.

Hanzo: I suggest we-

Hanzo is cut off by Genji’s drunken shouting. Torbjorn follows closely, curious about the commotion

Genji: WALK THE PLANK!!

Hanzo: YOU STOLE MY IDEA!

Genji: IT ISN’T YOUR IDEA! YOU STOLE IT FROM THOSE OLD WESTERN PIRATE MOVIES!

Hanzo: FIGHT ME!

Genji: RYUU JIN-

Torbjorn raises his hand prosthetic hand and hits Genji’s back hard, causing him to fall to the floor.

Torbjorn: Shut the fuck up. Rowdy kids.

Hanzo: Apologies. I will go now.

Hanzo clumsily picks up Genji and leaves.

Torbjorn: Have you been drinking? WITHOUT ME?

McCree: You seemed pretty preoccupied, little man

Torbjorn: This ‘little man’ can kick your ARSE!

McCree: Oh I’d like to see y-

Ana: Stop fighting!

McCree: On the list of things I’d never hear Ana say, “Stop fighting” has to be at the top.

Ana: I’m going to make ye walk the plank after them. Speaking of which do we even HAVE a plank?

Torbjorn: No, but I can assemble one!

Ana: Then get at it.

Torbjorn: Aye Captain

Torbjorn leaves the main deck

Ana: OI! Cabin Boy!

Lucio speeds onto the scene, looking overwhelmed and out of breath

Lucio: Yes…captain…

Ana: Why is ye so exhausted?

Lucio: Symmetra…has…lots of things…that need to be…completed.

Ana: Catch your breath, boy. Then help my first mate escort our prisoners to the brig. And McCree…

McCree looks toward Ana

Ana: Lock it this time.

McCree: Got it, we’ll be going now.

Pharah: Ok no hold up-

Torbjorn re-enters

Torbjorn: Plank Assembled Captain!

Ana: Well…that was fast. I guess we can proceed. McCree, escort them to the plank.

McCree: What am I, some sort of escort now?

Lucio: For Hanzo, maybe.

McCree: Shut your pie-hole, kid.

Pharah: Mother for heaven’s sake, this is ridiculous. Do you want us to DROWN?

Ana: You trespass on my ship, you pay the price.

Pharah: This is blasphemy!

Ana: Oh, my dear Fareeha, you never could take a joke.

Ana pushed Pharah toward the plank, Mercy follows.

Ana: Go on now, or we’ll force you.

Pharah: Fuck it, I give up. Let’s go, Mercy.

Pharah and Mercy both walk the plank. Once at the end, they both jump off and Pharah begins to fly back to base, with Mercy not far behind.

Torbjorn: Did we not take into consideration that they could fly?

Ana: It seems in my drunken haze I forgot. Oh well. Point is: they’re off the ship. Hey you think it would be funny if I launched a sleep dart at her again?

McCree: That joke has gone beyond beating a dead horse. It’s now confused archaeologists as to why there are so many mutilated horse corpses.

Ana: Fine Fine, I won’t. But it looks like it’s going to be smooth sailing from here on out.

End of Scene II


	8. Act II Scene III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ana is salty...again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet yáll thought this fic was dead. THINK AGAIN

Act II Scene III

Ana and Torbjorn are discussing something

Torbjorn: It’s not my fault you forgot your daughter can fly!

Ana: Well as a member of my crew you were obligated to remind me

Torbjorn: That wasn’t written in my contract!

Ana: I never wrote a contract. I literally just walked into your room one day and asked if you wanted to become a pirate and you said ‘ok,’ and now we’re on a pirate ship.

Torbjorn: You should have written a contract

Ana: Pirates don’t fucking write contracts. Plus it’s not like you’re tall enough to reach a desk to sign a contract. You need to stand on a turret to reach the kitchen counter

Torbjorn: Ok listen here-

Symmetra and Lucio dash onto the Helm

Symmetra: CAPTAIN!

Ana: Aye?

Symmetra: We’ve been hearing some concerning noises coming from McCree’s quarters. I heard it during one of my hourly checks

Ana: How could you have doing hourly checks when we’ve been on this fucking ship for 30 minutes

Symmetra: I do hourly checks every 10 minutes, Captain. Got to make sure everyone and everything is working at peak efficiency

Ana: Then it’s not hourly- Forget it, what noises have ye been hearing?

Lucio: McCree sounds like he’s in a bit of a jam based on the sounds coming from his room

Symmetra: Distressed indeed. I recommend that it is seen to immediately. I volunteer Lucio for the task

Lucio: Yo Symm, my gal, I don’t mean to sound like a bother but you’ve literally made me do every piece of work you’ve been assigned and I’m a little worked out so like-

Symmetra: Cease your complaining

Ana: Lucio dear, rest for a second

Lucio: Phew! Thank you captain

Lucio collapses onto the floor for one second

Ana: Your second has passed, get up and go assist my Quartermaster with her next task

Symmetra: Come child, you are not being paid to fool around

Lucio: I’m not even getting paid!

Symmetra: Get the fuck up

Lucio hesitantly rises to his feet

Ana: Don’t worry about McCree, I shall see to him. Carry on with your duties

Symmetra: I shall, my next hourly check is due in about 30 seconds

Ana: I’m not even gonna question the way your mind works

Symmetra and a very tired Lucio leave the Scene. Ana turns to Torbjorn to resume their conversation

Ana: Anyway what were we talking about? Ah yes, something I couldn’t give a flying fuck about. How I’m dying to not continue that conversation.

Torbjorn: ……

Torbjorn: I can reach the counter just fine

Ana: Ok mini muffin

Torbjorn: Can you not?

Ana: Nah

Junkrat hops into the Scene

Junkrat: CAPTAIN!

Ana: What does ye need, boy?

Junkrat: When can I start firing the cannons?

Ana: When we see an enemy ship

Junkrat: And what do these ‘enemy ships’ look like?

Ana: They look like us

Junkrat: Roger! But wait, if enemy ships looks like us, does that mean WE are the ENEMY?

Zenyatta Hovers to the ship from the base, which is only like 400 meters away

Zenyatta: You are your own worst enemy

Junkrat: O shit. GUYS WE HAVE TO BOMB THE SHIP WE ARE THE ENEMIES!

Ana: JUNKRAT NO!

Junkrat: JUNKRAT YES!

Ana: Guys don’t listen to Junkrat

The Crew, in a very monotonous voice: ok.

Ana: Zen get your hippie metallic ass off my ship and stop talking shit to my crew

Zenyatta: Farewell

Zenyatta floats back to base

Ana: Well I need to check on McCree, Junkrat can you please WATCH the helm and NOT blow it up?

Junkrat: Aye aye Captain!

Torbjorn: Why can’t I watch the helm?

Ana: You’re not tall enough to steer the wheel, let alone SEE it

Torbjorn: That’s roode

Ana: K

Ana leaves the scene

End of Scene III


	9. Act II Scene IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoops

Act II Scene IV

Jesse and Hanzo are fucking. Jesse Tops.

McCree: Oh yeah, fuck.

Hanzo: Go deeper

McCree: Darlin’ I’m in as deep as I can go.

Hanzo: Did you not hear me? I said GO DEEPER

Ana knocks on the door before barging in.

Ana: You people need to-

All three people freeze, looking at one another with wide eyes. Ana pulls a Nano-boost dart from her arm.

Ana: YOU’RE POWERED UP GET IN THERE

McCree: YEE HAW YIPPIE KAY-YAY

Hanzo: THAT IS MORE LIKE IT!

McCree begins fucking into Hanzo’s ass at a brutal pace.

Ana: My work here is done

Ana leaves the two lovers to finish off, and starts making her way to where Symmetra and Lucio are. Lucio is hard at work. Symmetra is sitting on a stool she generated, monitoring Lucio.

Ana: I have seen to the so called ‘distressful noises’

Symmetra: Has the issue been amended or is further assistance required?

Ana: Oh, I think they’re fine

Symmetra: May I inquire as to what the issue was?

Ana: Well see-

Lucio: They were doing the dance with no pants weren’t they?

Symmetra: Do not be so vulgar in front of the captain

Ana: Yeah they’re fucking

Symmetra, under her breath: I should have been the captain

Hanzo, in the distance: RYUU GA WAGA TEKI WO KURAU!!!!

The noodle dragons began to emerge, tearing a hole in the starboard side of the ship. The cabin of the ship begins to fill with water.

Noodle dragons: NyAAA :33 xD

Ana: Wow I should have known Hanzo’s dragons would be fucking weeaboos.

Symmetra: Captain! The ship is starting to capsize!!! What is our course of action?!

Ana: Inform the crew! Evacuate if needed!

Lucio: But Captain, what about you?

Ana: The captain always goes down with her ship.

End of Act II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this took so fucking long but this is the biggest shitpost yet holy shit


	10. Act III Scene I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prepare for puns and innuendos

Act III Scene I

Ana is staring through her periscope looking at islands not too far away. Genji and McCree are also on deck. Genji is sketching his surrounding and McCree is smoking a cigar.

Ana: Land ho!

Genji: Captain you’ve announced that twelve times in the past hour please put the Tequila down

Ana: Shush child, mother needs her adult juice

Genji: Hanzo and I have already finished off 5 bottles of sake. Plus, my mother is dead.

Ana: I am your mother now

Genji: I am 35 years old I don’t need a mother

Ana: As your mother I am very hurt by that statement

Symmetra approaches eloquently. Lucio, on the other hand, is in tears lying on the floor and dragging himself across the deck, struggling to follow.

Symmetra: Captain!

Ana: Aye?

Symmetra: I am pleased to report that the hole in the ship has been fixed and we are no longer sinking

Ana: What were you sinking about?

McCree: Captain please…

Ana: You can’t talk you’re the one that caused the sinking problem

McCree: It wasn’t me. Technically it was Hanzo

Genji: You guys are over-SINKING this

Ana:…Why are you like this Genji?

Genji: Getting murdered by your brother makes you a certain way.

Lucio: Captain, can I PLEASE have a break?

Ana: Don’t worry cabin boy we are almost at the shore line

McCree: Are you SHORE about that?

Ana: Lucio why did you have to save him? You should have let him drown

Lucio: Captain _I_ almost drowned trying to save the both of them AND trying to repair the hole.

Ana: Would have been a minor causality

McCree: After that session, I know Hanzo’s hole would be in need or some repairs

Lucio: I am going nowhere near that. Patching up one gaping hole is enough for one day.

Genji: I would prefer to not know the state of my brother’s asshole

Everyone is processing what they just heard. It is not a pleasant silence.

Symmetra: Will Hanzo be receiving any form of penalty for the damage caused?

Ana: Nah, ain’t nothing wrong with a little bump n’ grind

Symmetra: With no disrespect captain, ‘a little bump n’ grind’ almost cost us our ship

Ana: ALMOST, but you handled it, so no need to worry.

McCree: Captain, where is Reaper?

All those on deck begin to look around, trying to spot him

Ana: I don’t know, why what’s the issue?

McCree: Oh it’s no big deal. It’s just that we have no one at the helm and WE’RE ABOUT TO CRASH INTO A GIANT ROCK FORMATION

Ana frantically dashes for the wheel, tripping over an unconscious Lucio in the process

Ana: LAND HO!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say I'm sorry for my shitpost but y'all seem to being enjoying this so I'm not sorry  
> <3 <3


	11. Act III Scene II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ana is done. She's just...DONE

Act III Scene II

Ana, Genji, Reaper, and Jesse are on a white sandy beach. The ship is several feet away. The rest of the crew are on board carrying out repairs to the badly damaged vessel. Ana is very angry with Reaper

Ana: Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t drown you right here right now.

Reaper: Uh…

Ana: Alright that’s it

Ana lunges for Reaper and sends him face first into the shallow waters, Jesse immediately tries to hold Ana back. Genji simply laughs at the commotion.

Jesse: Captain stop!

Ana: LET ME AT HIM!

Genji: Go Ana! Go Ana! Go Ana!

Jesse: Don’t encourage her!

Jesse is able to pull Ana away from Reaper, who stands up and coughs out sand and water from the crevices of his mask.

Reaper: *cough* I can *cough* explain

Ana: Then start talking.

Reaper: I was scavenging the ship looking for rum. Then the dragons came through and almost ripped me to shreds. Fortunately, since I’m already dead, I simply had to rematerialize and th-

Ana: You were sexting Morrison, weren’t you?

Reaper: Yeah…

Genji: The edgy vape zombie is fucking the boy scout. Who could have guessed?

Jesse: Oh, I was well aware…after walking in on them several times

Reaper: I don’t recall you walking in on us

Jesse: I’m as quiet as a mouse

Reaper: Literally everyone can hear you coming from miles away because of the amount of noise your heel spurs make

Jesse: I do take my boots off y’know

Genji, Reaper, and Ana all let out an audible gasp

Ana: They can come off??

Genji: They’re not permanently glued to your feet??

Jesse: For fucks sake. YES, I TAKE MY BOOTS OFF!!!

Ana: T-the hat s-stays on…r-right?

Jesse: No Ana, I take the hat off too. Here, I’ll prove it

Jesse begins to remove his boots, then his hat. The trio gaze at him in absolute shock.

Jesse: See?

Genji collapses in shock. Reaper becomes a cloud of smoke and returns to the ship, and Ana starts screaming and covers her eyes

Reaper, in the distance: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Ana: This is like seeing you naked!

Jesse: You’ve seen me without my hat before

Ana: But you still had your heel spurs!

Jesse: All right, if it makes y’all uncomfortable, I’ll put em’ back on

Jesse puts his hat and shoes back on

Ana: Is it safe to look?

Jesse: Yes, and you can wake Genji up too

Ana uncovers her eyes and takes a breath of relief, then bends downs and wakes Genji, who soon after rises to his feet.

Genji: That is a sight I never want to see again

Jesse: Your brother has seen me in my birthday suit and he didn’t collapse

Genji: I am not Hanzo. I have emotions. Also, I do not want to see you naked.

Jesse: You sure about that darlin’?

Jesse winks at Genji

Genji: Jesse please.

Ana: Okay, now that fiasco is over. Let us scavenge the island.

Ana begins walking inward, away from the beach and the ship. Genji and Jesse slowly follow.

Jesse: The offer’s still there

Genji: No.

Jesse: Going once

Genji: No.

Jesse: Going twice

Genji: No.

Jesse: Going-

Ana turns a grabs Jesse by the ear. Jesse lets out a loud sound of discomfort. Genji snickers at the sight.

Ana: I will drown you in the sand if you do not shut up.

Jesse: Aye, captain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ana has been at sea too long she's become actual salt  
> Anyway, thank you very much for reading  
> If you enjoyed, don't forget to leave kudos <3  
> Feedback is always appreciated  
> Have a great day :3


	12. Act III Scene III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesse the Blackwatch Whore

Act III Scene III

Ana, Jesse, and Genji are walking further into the island, until Jesse stubs his toe on something. He leans down to pick it up

Jesse: Hmm, this appears to be some sort of message in a bottle

Ana and Genji gather around Jesse, waiting in anticipation for him to withdraw the message

Ana: Jesse I’m not getting any younger

Jesse: I’m trying

Genji: I blame your sausage fingers

Jesse: Fuck you

Genji: You did *winks*

Ana: Jesse McCree, you little whore

Jesse: It was a onetime thing!

Genji: One time?

Jesse: Multiple time thing…

Ana: Naughty boy

Jesse is finally able to withdraw the message from the bottle. He unrolls the piece of paper

Genji: It’s a map!

Ana: A treasure map

Jesse: And it’s for this island!

Ana: Wow! What a coincidence! It’s almost as if this was placed here for the purpose of plot development!

Genji: Well what are we waiting for? Let’s GO!

Meanwhile, on the ship

Reaper: Guys!

Symmetra, Lucio, Torbjorn and Junkrat turn their attention to the edgy vape zombie

Reaper: I saw McCree without with boots and hat!

The four gasp in horror, children are crying. In the distance. Sirens. Hanzo scrambles to the deck

Hanzo: He took those off? He doesn’t even take at least one of them off during coitus!

Reaper: He didn’t take them off when I had sex with him either!

Hanzo: Wait, what? You and Jesse…?

Reaper: He has no standards, I once saw him fuck a hole a woodpecker made in a tree once…I felt bad for the tree.

Lucio: I think he was barking up the wrong tree on that one

Everyone glares at Lucio in anger. Lucio clears his throat and begins to change the subject

Lucio: So, the repairs are going well

Symmetra: No one has forgiven you for that pun

Reaper turns to look back at the beach, only to notice the trio are gone

Reaper: Anybody see where the Cap, cyborg ninja, and cowboy went?

Everyone shakes their head.

Reaper: They’re probably fine

They were not fine

Genji: I feel like we might be lost

Ana: Ridiculous, a true Captain is never lost! They are simply exploring a new path

Jesse: Ana, we’re lost

Ana: Ok maybe we diverged from the path a _little_ bit. But no worries! I’ll have us back on track in no time.

Genji: Hm, I’m not getting any signal out here, so I can’t track our location.

Jesse: Don’t you have any GPS hardware installed

Genji: No, Angela did away with that primitive technology long ago.

Jesse: That’s useful

Ana looks at the horizon and sees the sun is beginning to set

Ana: Whelp, it looks like we’re not going to be going anywhere until the morning. We’ll have to survive in this…forest.

Jesse: What? No! We’ve still got a couple minutes left! We can make it back, we just gotta retrace our steps.

Ana: Relax, I’m sure Reaper has everything under control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings! I have returned! So sorry for the lack of updates recently, i promise there will be more coming for this fic and for the other WIP fics I have. Stay tuned  
> As always, if you enjoyed, please leave kudos. Any comments or feedback, leave them down peace  
> Peace <3

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be updating as soon as possible. Don't take this too seriously: this is here for the purpose of comedy.  
> Questions? Comments? Leave them below <3  
> Feedback is always appreciated


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